The rudeness of people never ceases to amaze me. There you are . . . just going about your day-to-day life, when someone does something or says something just downright rude. The nerve! When this happens to me, I'm usually so stunned by their audacity that I cannot think of a reply until moments, even days later when I realize, after careful consideration of how this person affected my life, invaded my personal space, and (sometimes) even triggered a tear or two.
I was brought up to practice ideals such as:
"The Golden Rule . . . Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
"Practice what you preach."
"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." Not that I ever wanted flies to begin with, but the principle stands true.
What is with people these days? Why do so many go out of their way to deliberately hurt others? Why does doing so make them feel superior, perfect, without flaw?
Normally, I am one to avoid conflict at all cost. I am a people pleaser and actually feel better about my character when I have done something that makes someone happy. I've always held the "greater good" goal in high regard.
Yes, there are some things I choose to ignore, comforting my esteem by thinking to myself, "Oh well . . . Maybe they're just having a bad day." Other times, though, the comments or actions are just plain mean, extremely personal and hurtful. It is these times that I just want to rip them a new one so badly. Give them a dose of their own medicine. Put them in their place. "See how it feels, you insignificant moron?" Ah . . . much better. However, I would not ever initiate this type of behavior. This would only be a knee-jerk rebuttal to someone who is really making an effort to ruin my day.
I used to be the type of person who would just take it; to just bite my tongue and let them have their say. After thirty-seven years of doing so, though, I feel it is finally time to stand my ground and fight back! Who's with me?
So I figured I would arm myself and my readers with more than enough witty comebacks to nip this in the bud immediately, leaving the troublemaker running away with his/her tail between his/her legs.
One occurrence comes to mind, just to prove an example of the outrageously uncouth so-called human beings I have encountered.
Three days after my son was released from the Children's Hospital, following his kidney transplant, we had to travel 75 miles back to the same hospital for follow-up labs and testing. He was in severe pain, understandably, but wanted to walk instead of being carted around the huge campus in a wheel chair. Needless to say, we were walking slowly.
From the front entrance, there is a very long and narrow corridor which leads to the clinic building. As we are slowly making our way toward the nephrologist's office, staying to one side of the corridor, I hear these two women talking behind us. Once they reach us, Koby and I hear, "Oh my GOD! Can you walk ANY slower? Don't you know people are in a hurry around here?!?
Well, of course, we cannot go any faster. Wanting to set the example for my 11 year old son, I chose to ignore the comments and just keep moving. The oncoming side of fellow patients and parents leaving the hospital was full of wheelchairs, families walking side-by-side, and hospital staff making their way out of the building. There was simply no room in between the two opposing sides to pass someone without running into the outward flow of human traffic.
After about a minute of ignoring these women, we hear, "What? Is February 'National Be as Slow as You Can Month?!?" People passing us by were appalled by these idiots' behaviors.
Koby looked up at me and said, "Mom . . . really. I'm going as fast as I can. It hurts!"
I lost it!!!
I stopped and turned around abruptly, lead Koby over to the wall and stood in front of him, shielding him from what was about to go down.
"Koby, stay right there and cover your ears."
I looked them both square in the eyes and said,
"You cruel, insignificant, callous, arrogant jerks! How about you pull your heads out of your asses long enough to realize where you are . . . A children's hospital!!! You are surrounded by children who are dying, children who are suffering, children who, like MY son, are in tremendous amounts of unbearable pain. In my son's case, he had a kidney transplant three days ago! He has a 14 inch long slit in his abdomen, 147 staples piercing his skin and a new kidney that has saved his life! He's in so much pain . . . pain that you could never even begin to imagine!
And you, with your selfish, egotistical, knuckle-draggin', unwarranted, inexcusable comments have made his pain even more difficult to endure! Get a freakin' clue! Keep your obnoxious, narccistic, vindictive comments to yourself, and show humanity that you might have a glimmer of a possibility of fitting in . . . for once! Shame on you! If you're in THAT much of a hurry that you chastize a helpless little boy to make up for your own lack of time management skills, then you should leave earlier and allow for unscheduled and uncontrollable events such as these.
Now, take your hateful attitude and get in front of us. You will most likely run into more slow-moving children prior to exiting the building, so keep this confrontation in your mind before you decide that insulting people is a way to get ahead in this world!"
And, with that, they lowered their heads in shame and walked away . . . Speechless!
I am MOTHER! Hear me ROAR!
Never mess with a lioness and her young!
After scouring the net for hours, here are quite few suggestions. Put on a pot of coffee, and be sure to take frequent breaks. It is a quite extensive list. If you have any I have not listed, please feel free to comment and I'll add to the list. If you'd like to comment with your favorites, please do so. I will be editing out the no so funny ones.
Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can never be used for good.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room
And your crybaby, whiney-butt opinion would be?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
You! Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, your day is a total waste of makeup.
Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done
How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
* Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted world-view.
* I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
* Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the conversation?
* I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
* How about never? Is never good for you?
* I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
* You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
* You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
* Are you a freaking ray of sunshine every day?
* I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
* I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
* It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
* It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
* You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
* Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
* And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
* Do I look like a people person?
* Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
* If I throw a stick, will you leave?
* You!... Off my planet!
* Does your train of thought have a caboose?
* Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
* Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
* Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
* I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
* Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
* I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
* I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
* What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
* I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
* A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
* Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
* Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
* Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
* How do I set a laser printer to stun?
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...